S01.E05 - Gifted Education

 "Good morning!" said Trisha as she bounded through the kitchen door. Jenna waved a spatula while guarding a frying pan full of eggs and sausage. "Ooo. Sausage. I was told those weren't allowed in these parts of the county."

Jenna smiled in that way you do when the DMV lady tells you to have a nice day. "Cute. If I don't get at least a pound of sausage inside of me per week, I get irritable." explained Jenna.

"I hear that."

"Don't tell Candy."

"Eh, she lives here. She probably knows."

"I lie. She lies. As long as the new girl doesn't ruin it, our arrangement holds."

"Well, let me start off by saying: Happy birthday." said Trisha, proud that she had found out Jenna's birthday on her own and then remembered. Mostly. Except for the gift part.

"Shhhhh!" hissed Jenna. "Are you insane?!? No one can know about that. Where did you hear something so filthy?"

"From Candy."

"I hate that woman."

"What? Birthdays are fun." said Trisha, searching the cabinets for a clean coffee mug.

"Really? So, when is your birthday?"

"June—40th." Trisha said with a smile. "You don't have to get vicious about it."

Trisha poured herself a cup of jet-black coffee and then added cold tap water to it, swirling them together into what she called a "Start of the Day".

"Well, look. I have been trying to figure out the perfect gift for at least six hours now." explains Trisha.

"Trish, look—you don't have to get me anything. You just moved in. We barely know each other."

"No, Candy made it clear that there's a competition, and the way she talked about it made it seem like it was to the death. So I have to try to make her victory satisfying for her."

"Ah, the true meaning of friendship."

"She's some sort of gift-giving savant. I, on the other hand, am new to the whole fake lesbian giving her real lesbian roommate something for her birthday..."

"No gifts. No attention."

"...so I've decided to give you a friendly birthday roommate kiss."

Jenna nearly ripped the knob off the oven as she turned off the burner and then tossed her spatula onto the counter, causing grease to spatter in tiny droplets. She tucked her hands into the small of her back, snapped to full attention, and then pulled out the sauciest attitude she could accomplish at this hour of the morning.

"Where's my gift, bitch?"

Trisha smiled broadly and looked away while she composed herself. "Look, you want me to get this tequila taste out of my mouth first, so..." she said, filling her mouth with the now lukewarm beverage and gargling it like mouthwash. Then there was the swallowing. Then there was the use of a finger like a toothbrush. Then there was the actual drinking of the coffee. Then there was the stretching. Then there was the loosening of the shoulders. Then Trisha began to do a vocal exercise using several unusual versions of "Me, me, me, me."

"Those bonus don't-say-birthday hash browns I've been picking at are getting cold." said Jenna, sliding decent-enough eggs and mostly-cooked sausage onto her plate. "You have until the microwave finishes my breakfast tart."

"Okay, here we go." said Trisha as Jenna hit the final keys to activate the microwave. When the countdown began at 0:44, so did the roommates. Trisha leaned forward as if to offer a peck on the cheek when Jenna decided this was more of a final exam. Jenna ran her hand into Trisha's hair and began a passionate and well-constructed kiss that covered the bedrock kissing research completed by the Ancient Egyptians and then continued through the more progressive Greco-Roman period until it slammed into the Dark Age inquisitions that cost the planet some of the best kissing lesbians there ever was. By the time Jenna was finished, even the microwave had lost track of time. Jenna's nipples were so hard she had to push Trisha away with a delicate stiff-arm to prevent the accidental drawing of blood.

"Jenna!" bemoaned Trisha, frozen wide-eyed in a statuesque pose with one forearm covering her mouth. "I said a 'roommate' kiss, not a 'I can cure your tonsillitis' kiss."

"I wouldn't be this lazy on Candy's birthday if I were you." said Trisha, reaching for her spatula and moving the heat back to the stove. "She'll suck the tongue right out of your face, noob."

It took Trisha several seconds to fan herself back to a safe body temperature. "I already got Candy a 12-pack of cotton panties. You know, so she'll take the fucking hint."

"Thank you for my present." she said innocently.

"No getting your money back with that receipt." 

Jenna leaned against the table, breathing heavily with a quirky, crooked smile. "Technically, I just finished my morning coffee."

"I have to go floss again." said Trisha as she retreated out of the kitchen.

"Perhaps I've misjudged birthdays." Jenna yelled at the swinging kitchen door as she returned to the appropriate breakfast-making stance.

======

Hours later, Candy—having just arrived home from her college campus—entered the apartment looking nervous. She dropped her clutch on their clutch table and then walked immediately to Jenna's closed bedroom door. The knocking reflected the selfishly unsympathetic and possibly dangerous nature of her upcoming request.

"Jenna?" Candy knocked again, her voice pitching higher than usual. "I have amazing birthday news for you!" She rocked on her heels, clutching the strap of her bag like a lifeline.

"Shhhh!!!" came the hissing voice from behind the wood. The door swung open to reveal Jenna in sweatpants and a faded band tee-shirt, holding half a sandwich in her non-door-opening hand. "If it's another band, I'm moving out."

Candy wasn't about to let Jenna get away with changing history. "You loved Mariachi Monday!!!"

"Candy, I just can't do another birthday this year." Jenna took a savage bite. "Why couldn't I have been born on Leap Day?"

"You are young, vibrant, and despite my best efforts, you still have a fully functional liver!" Candy interjected, brushing past Jenna as she walked into Jenna's bedroom. Clothing was everywhere. Candy spun in circles trying to take in the tornado of wardrobe that had covered every inch of Jenna's otherwise fastidious den.

"Noooo!" moaned Candy, flicking her nails as if to ward off evil spirits.

Jenna flopped onto the bed, sending several balled pairs of socks airborne. "Birthdays just let the worms know how long it will be before dinner is served." she groaned, staring at the ceiling fan.

"How many people did you murder in this room?" asked Candy sarcastically, looking around with great concern as she realized there was no way to completely clean it. "You're not old, Jenna. You have to snap out of it. You're only twenty—"

"If you finish that sentence, I'll make your life a living hell." growled Jenna, snapping to attention and pointing her finger like a wicked witch. Candy withdrew in a tactical retreat, leaning against the wall next to the door just in case the worst should happen.

"This is a purge." explained Jenna, waving her hand like a decrepit witch over the various piles of clothing and memorabilia. "Everything that reminds me of the before times is getting tossed."

Candy snatched up a crocheted octopus plushie. "But you love Mrs. Tentacles."

"That's the problem," Jenna muttered, stealing the octopus back. "My entire life is phases. Crochet an octopus phase. Rock-climbing phase. Kombucha phase."

"Everyone needs to stop drinking my kombucha!" protested Candy.

"I just can't get older today. Or ever!"

"Fine." said Candy in a tone that immediately raised suspicion in Jenna.

"Fine?"

"It just so happens that Zeta Omega Zeta needs a temporary place to gather for our Monday meeting. It's required."

"And that place is far, far away from our pit of shame, right?"

"Remember I told you how Pledge Debbie tried to deep-fry pickles on a hot plate, and then there was damage?"

"Remember? I included it in my diary."

"Now our house is condemned or whatever."

"So what is it you're telling me? You've invited Pledge Debbie to be hazed in our living room?"

"No." said Candy only temporarily until she thought about it. "I mean, yeah. Kinda. Look, your birthday is cancelled. We're having a sorority meeting here instead. In an hour."

Candy braced for impact, holding Mrs. Tentacles so her eyes would somehow diminish Jenna's rage. But instead of a lecture or a nuclear meltdown, Jenna sat upright. Her eyes gleamed like she'd just discovered more coffee grounds behind the empty bottle of coffee grounds.

"This is the best gift you've ever gotten me."

"Bitch, we sang all night with the Mariachis."

Jenna sprang off the bed like a jack-in-the-box wound too tight, scattering mismatched socks in her wake. "This is perfect," she declared, pacing the wreckage of her bedroom with the manic energy of someone who'd just mainlined espresso. "Hot girls. Distractions. Zero birthday talk. I can pretend I'm still nineteen and emotionally unstable." She snatched a denim jacket from the floor and threw it on over her ratty tee like it was armor.

"Have you seen this room? It's mostly not pretending." Jenna's face did the crooked-lip snark in response. Candy exhaled through her nose, clutching Mrs. Tentacles tighter. "So you're—happy about this?"

"Ecstatic. Euphoric. Over the moon." Jenna confirmed, kicking a pile of discarded owl-print pajama pants under the bed. "We'll serve boxed wine in coffee mugs so they think we're young, artsy alcoholics. They'll be too busy judging our lack of stemware to notice my wrinkles."

"Eh—no booze. Official sorority event."

Jenna was unprepared for such a curveball. "I suggest you inspect that octopus more closely." Candy felt around until she discovered what was clearly the tactile silhouette of a tiny bottle of airplane Cognac.

"How'd that get in there?"

"So instead of glasses, I'll just pull the bag out of the box, tape it to my leg, then run a hose."

"You don't have wrinkles." assured Candy, circling back.

"I—am not prepared—to talk about my wrinkles." announced Jenna, involuntarily waving her arms to ward off such an invasion of privacy.

Candy opened her mouth, then closed it. The vein in her temple throbbed harder. "Alright," she conceded, already mentally drafting the apology texts she'd send tomorrow. "If anyone asks, it's grape juice. All sororities are dry."

"Really?" wried Jenna with a cocked eyebrow. "What'd you do—run out of saliva?" 

Candy rolled her eyes, then re-entered the living room just as Trisha was taking her keys out of the front door. The newest arrival had a half-eaten breakfast tart dangling from her mouth. She bit off a chunk, then fought the urge to chew long enough to report on the newest developments in the apartment complex. "There's like—a whole coven tailgating in our parking lot right now. And it's not like the normal crew of lesbians. Like, I saw some regular sneakers. Does this mean I can be straight again?"

"No. They're with me." said Candy, exasperated by this change of events.

"Is this another orgy?" inquired Trisha, turning back toward the opening to the safety of outdoors. "Because you agreed two weeks ago to give notice of an upcoming orgy."

"It's my sorority. Just be cool." Candy stomped past Trisha on her way to welcome her guests in the parking lot but whispered, "Under no circumstances are you to bring up Jenna's birthday. Also, you're still you, but gay. So you should hit on me during the meeting."

"There's a meeting?"

Jenna reluctantly emerged from her bedroom.

"Hello, other roommate. And I say that as simply one roommate greeting another, for absolutely no special reason other than I have returned from my excursion into the outside places." said Trisha, testing the waters to see how Jenna was feeling.

"Thank you. I have been assured there will be sorority sisters here to prevent the possibility of there being a birthday party."

Then Jenna had a frightening thought.

"Unless this is a ruse."

"No." insisted Candy.

"This is pretend." continued Jenna down the path to paranoia. "To get me to come out of my room!"

"No, no!" the other two pleaded.

"Oh, you two are diabolical!"

Jenna retreated into her bedroom, then slammed the door shut.

"Is that what you're wearing?" yelled Trisha through the door. When she received no response, she turned to Candy, who was rubbing her temples. "Is this sorority meeting 80s themed?"

Trisha tossed her purse through her open bedroom door onto possessions unknown. She had one card left to play, and it was a trump.

"You're really not going to help me judge college brats based on the outfits they're wearing?"

The door swung open. Jenna wiped away a single happy tear. "You really do get me."

Jenna planted her forehead into Trisha's shoulder as Trisha looked back to give Candy an excited thumbs up.

"Oh my God." grumbled Candy, who pinched the bridge of her nose with two fingers and pursed her eyes shut as if to ward off a migraine as she approached the front door.

=====

It was finally time to start the Zeta Omega Zeta meeting, as two dozen girls were now settling into the folding chairs that they had brought with them for the occasion. They were packed shoulder-to-shoulder while facing the closed bathroom door and the makeshift dais before it.

"Ladies!" bellowed the president of the sorority as she gracefully rose to stand at the front of the now-quieting assembly. "Thank you for attending under these trying circumstances. As you can imagine, it takes time to repair a historic sorority house that had otherwise stood unblemished for over a century."

She took a moment so that all attendees could glare at several embarrassed pledges who were sitting right up front. The pledges searched the floor with their eyes looking for dignity.

"I'd also like to thank Sister Candy Rhanes whose..." she continued, pausing to look across the room at the large poster by the kitchen of two women mauling each other on a street corner. "...pornographic little apartment is serving as our emergency meeting place tonight."

Candy smiled broadly at the implication. The entire room lightly clapped in a show of appreciation for the sacrifice on behalf of the sisterhood.

"Also her two interloping roommates are here. With—chips."

Jenna and Trisha sat enthralled, munching on wavy potato chips gathered from a bag sitting between them.

"Sup!" said Trisha, holding up a two-fingered peace sign.

"Also," intruded Candy. "Our landlady Barbara doesn't know about this, so keep it down and be cool if she happens to stop by." Candy looked over her shoulder at the closed front door as if she was expecting it to open and reveal a nemesis. "If she asks, you're here to mourn a dear friend—eh—Courtney."

"You just killed Courtney." whispered Jenna.

"She knows what she did." snapped Candy, also in a whisper.

"She'll never forgive you for this."

"Then I'll get her drunk."

While most of the girls giggled quietly in that cute way that lets you know they are judging you, one of the girls made serious eye contact with Trisha to the point that the latter crossed her legs even though she was wearing blue jeans.

"Yes, yes. Fine." scolded the president, looking down her nose at everyone to re-establish order. "Please thank Misses..." said the president, trailing off and pointing at Candy for the answer.

"Bannon."

"...thank Mrs. Bannon for her—"

"Barbara Bannon? The Barbara Bannon?" demanded a young woman in the middle ranks who clearly just outed herself to the rest of the group. "Barbara Bannon is your—landlady?"

"Yes." said Jenna, Candy, and Trisha in unison, with a tone of incredulity that matched the moment.

"The greatest lesbian—on the planet?"

"Yes." confirmed Jenna and Candy in unison.

"She knows our landlady?" asked Trisha, only to get elbowed again for her troubles. "I mean every lesbian knows our landlady. What was I thinking?"

"Can you—introduce me?" she asked with the pleading eyes of a young whelp in a Dickens novel.

"Everybody focus!" screamed the president, clearly illustrating just how much stress is involved in wrangling several dozen women to do anything. The group that was mumbling amongst themselves halted immediately as their leader reacquired the reins of power.

"Once we're done with sorority business, and I stop speaking, people will get to meet other people."

Suddenly, the sorority girl standing guard outside of the apartment opened the door and leaned in. "Boss. We've got a situation."

"You have got to be kidding me." replied the emcee, pounding her little podium.

"The Lambdas are here. They're tailgating the parking lot."

"You have got to be..." began the president, taking a deep breath before letting it all out. "...KIDDING ME!" 

Suddenly, the meeting was over. Women snatched up or pushed aside folding chairs in a desperate rush to become part of a university legend. Apologies were made as they bumped into Jenna and Trisha, who clutched each other in fear while protecting their precious bag of wavies.

"Trisha, you're still young." cried Jenna. "Save yourself!!!"

"You can't be the last person I kissed."

The event descended into madness as the women of Zeta Omega Zeta were hoovered back outside. The men of Lambda Whatever Whatever serenaded the group from the parking lot while roasting hot dogs and cheeseburgers via tailgate hibachi. Some women were flirty. Some women were hostile. Dozens, if not a hundred people roiled around the parking lot in mock fights and courtship rituals. At one point, the men began to sing an old Italian song of true love.

"Mia stella marina...!!!" they boomed in unison.

Jenna and Trisha sat at the top of the exterior stairs overlooking the parking lot eating from their seemingly bottomless bag of wavy potato chips. They looked at each other with curious faces, silently commenting on the familiarity of the tune and the lyrics.

Candy, for her part, understood the assignment and desperately tried to herd people back into their cars in an effort to get them all out of an otherwise jealously guarded parking lot. Eventually the leaving did occur, and soon it was just the three roommates: Candy leaning exhausted against the bottom of the railing with her head in her hands as Jenna and Trisha giggled quietly in that cute way that lets you know they are judging you.

=====

It was several hours later. The phone rang. It wasn't Jenna's phone. It wasn't Candy's phone. It wasn't Trisha's phone. It was the phone in the drawer—the existence of which Trisha had hitherto been unaware. Trisha stepped out of the kitchen holding her own cell phone, completely baffled by the new sound. It was only after great difficulty that she managed to follow it to its source. She opened the drawer to free the mysterious din and then picked up the receiver before clutching it to her chest.

"What do I do?"

"Well it's too late now. You already picked it up. We're doomed." came the response from the blonder of the two roommates, who were seated together on the sofa.

"Hello?" said Trisha nervously.

"Trisha, this is Barbara Bannon. Could you and all else assembled stop down to see us immediately?" replied the voice of their apparently famous landlady.

"Eh—okay. We're on our way."

Trisha hung up the phone and reported the newest item on the to-do list to her roommates.

"Great. Now I have to go into debt to pay for our parking lot to be repaved." groused Candy.

The three women stood, ready to march downstairs and discover their fate.

"Well, I guess I'm moving back in with dad. This was good while it lasted." said Trisha.

"Yeah, but I thought we would have lasted longer than this." commented Candy, her voice resigned and a little forlorn. "We have food in the 'fridge that's older than this arrangement."

"Are you talking about that Thai food? Because that's not there anymore." explained Trisha, to which the other two responded, "Stop eating poison!"

The trio shuffled outside, then down the stairs like condemned prisoners, shoulders hunched against the inevitable eviction notice for violating the "No tailgating" section of the lease. Trisha held her hand up to knock, but Barbara beat her to the rap with a preemptive, "Come in."

The girls filed into the apartment and prepared for the worst. That's when they noticed an extra person at the gathering. Sitting at the kitchen table in full view of the lineup was the sorority lesbian from the earlier meeting. She was perched primly on the edge of a kitchen chair frantically waving her arm "hello". The three roommates waved back sheepishly.

"Hey, again."

Barbara took a second to watch the young woman drink tea from a China cup.

"Ladies, who..." began Barbara, taking a very deep breath before gesturing toward the wayward sorority sister with a hand full of martini glass. "...is this human?"

Barbara's wife Delilah—lounging in an armchair with the predatory stillness of a cat who'd just found a mouse in her demesne—sniffed. Her favorite purple negligee was absolutely un-celebratory, making it was clear she was displeased.

Candy's eyes were as round as the rim of Barbara's drinking glass. "Uhhh..." she groped, desperately trying to piece together the stretch of time between the young woman's introduction and her appearance in Barbara's kitchen. 

"Yes." confirmed Barbara. "That's how we, also, felt about the situation."

"Can you believe it?" the girl squeaked, setting her teacup down so fast it rattled. "I'm in Barbara Bannon's apartment." Her tiny hands clapped soundlessly without actually making contact and her eyes looked straight at Candy. "Like—this is her actual chair. And I'm sitting in it!"

All three roommates looked to the left at Delilah, who's legendary jealousy was being held back by what could only be described as divine intervention. It was clear this poor young stalker had no idea how close to death she really was.

Jenna stepped forward in a heroic effort to save the girl's life. "Sweetie..."

"Uh huh."

"Yeah, hi. What'cha doin' here?"

The girl stood up excitedly, causing all three roommates to involuntarily take a step back. "Well, I was trying to figure out what kind of lesbian I wanted to be. Because, you know, there's so many to choose from."

"Right."

"Go on."

"Wait, there's more than—"

Candy grabbed Trisha by the arm and pulled her back while deploying the "Remember who you're pretending to be." look.

"Then I read the story about Miss Bannon on a Web site called Herlickity."

"Keep going."

"You're almost there."

"Herlickity?!?" spawned Trisha involuntarily, as if she had just heard a great punchline to a whimsical joke. That revelation earned her an elbow to the ribs from Candy. "...which I read all the time."

"It's Misses—Bannon." corrected Delilah from her chair, causing both Candy and Trisha to shiver then hug themselves. Everything paused as all eyes checked to see if Delilah was going to tear the stalker in half. Upon confirmation that the night would not require police for at least a little while longer, they returned to the lesser crisis.

"And I said to myself, 'Self, that's the kind of lesbian I want to be.' A queen butch."

The thought of this tiny mousy girl becoming a captain of lesbian industry who could tear people in half with a raised eyebrow caused the muscles in Candy's face to malfunction.

"Uhhh..." said Jenna and Candy in unison, searching for a gentle way to break the bad news to this poor girl. Meanwhile, Trisha realized that she was supposed to be mirroring her roommates as if she understood exactly what was going on. She added her own late "Uh." just for show.

"Good for you, dear." said Barbara, before taking a long sip of martini from her glass. "Now get out."

"Okay." said the young woman, who bounced up and down with equal parts tea-energy and the thrill of meeting a heroine. "It was so nice meeting you, Barbara Bannon. You're my idol."

Then she looked around the room with far less enthusiasm.

"And the rest of you—you know."

She opened up the door like Don Quixote looking for a new windmill, then exited into the safety of the night. The door shut behind her quietly.

Jenna whirled around, 100% confident that she could explain this to Barbara. But the intended target held up her martini glass and a single exquisitely manicured finger—silver nail polish glinting under the kitchen lights like a tiny dagger.

"Darling, I have survived homelessness, gluten-free vodka, and the Macarena." Barbara lilted, swirling her martini. "You're not here to explain it to me."

Delilah rose from her chair like Hawaiian lava. 

"Uh," said the three roommates in unison, because someone had to.

Barbara glided through the room like a relater in the middle of a showing. "Well, I'm off to bed.", she announced in a rare, happy voice that betrayed her stimulated ego. Holding the martini glass at heart level, she called back to her wife, "Love you, my dearest. Don't stain the carpet."

Trisha was frozen in place. "I've never seen all the color in someone's eyes go away like that before." she said aloud absentmindedly.

"Well?!?" demanded Delilah, looking directly at Candy. Trisha backed away so all of the claw marks could land in one place.

Suddenly, Candy began to crack, and an underlying pool of stress bubbled to the surface all at once. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, and her chin trembled. "It's just that I'm a senior now and I'm about to graduate and there's all kinds of stress and I still don't know what I want to do with life and I love my sorority but these idiots broke our house and now there's construction and job interviews and it's all just been kind of living in my chest."

"Oh my God!?!" said Trisha, backing away as if she was at risk of contagion.

"Oh my God!" said Jenna, who was genuinely concerned about her friend.

"Oh—my—God!" said Delilah, crossing the room to wrap Candy up in her arms as if to protect her from physical danger.

"Oh my God." grumbled Barbara, who pinched the bridge of her nose with two fingers and pursed her eyes shut as if to ward off a migraine as she finished entering the bedroom.

Trisha turned to Jenna and leaned in close. "This is the best acting I think I've ever seen." 

Jenna's face betrayed her fear that Candy was permanently broken. "She's acting. We broke her." whispered Jenna in a tone that scolded her roommate for not believing in Candy.

"And today's Jenna's birthday, but I can't even throw her a party because she feels old and shriveled." confessed Candy, causing Delilah's face to switch to pure delight as she saw yet another ill of society that she could cure with her ability to dish out amazing hugs.

"Oh my God!" said Delilah, absentmindedly abandoning Candy to her fate and crossing the room toward Jenna with her arms wide open.

"Oh my God!?!" said Trisha, hopping away from Jenna as if this was proof that whatever happened to Candy could happen to any one of them.

"Oh my God." grumbled Jenna, pinching the bridge of her nose with two fingers and pursing her eyes shut as if to ward off a migraine.

Jenna was swallowed by Delilah's hug, her head held between Delilah's perfectly manicured hand and her warm cleavage like a helpless puppy.

=====

Hours later, Jenna, Candy, and Trisha were seated on the couch in their living room, all cried out and clearly exhausted. Jenna was stunned by the fact that she actually managed to have something resembling fun on her birthday.

"You know, shit like this is probably why the pies we keep buying disappear so quickly." said Trisha.

"It's not the sadness." complained Candy. "It's that our new roommate is a vacuum cleaner for food."

"Every now and then I think about going to college." said Trisha. "Then I look at some of my report cards and I'm all like—nah, I made the right decision."

"Hey," Candy mumbled into her knees, her voice still raw from crying. She nudged Jenna's foot with her own. "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday with my—total mental breakdown."

Jenna snorted, stretching her arms behind her head. "Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever. That was an amazing gift." 

Candy stood up and pumped her fist. "BAM! Winner! Best gift-giver EVER!!! Eat it, Trisha!"

Trisha stretched out her arms, demanding a recount from the judges. "What—ever. I'm still picking hash browns out of my teeth."

"Wait—that was good for you?" Candy asked Jenna.

"Delilah hugged me." Jenna said it like she'd just announced she'd won the lottery. "And it was a quality hug. In negligee. You can't just get one of those anywhere."

"Well what am I, chopped liver?" asked Candy.

"I'm sorry, but you think that—you—are a Delilah-level hugger?"

"I think I'm Delilah huggable. Get over here!" said Candy, approaching Jenna with her arms wide open.

"Oh my God." grumbled Trisha, pressing the bridge of her nose with two fingers and pursed her eyes shut as if to ward off a migraine.

"No!!! You're stealing all her perfume." said Jenna, bouncing her legs as Candy sat down in her lap to give her an amazing hug. "Stop this immediately!"

"Say it! Say I'm better at hugging than Delilah!"

"Trisha, save me!"

"Are you kidding? If you two get married, I can start wearing skirts again."