S01.E03 - Hot Wired

 The last bite of Jenna’s mint chocolate chip ice cream vanished, leaving behind just a hunk of cone. Candy was too distracted to notice, licking runaway drips of strawberry cheesecake swirl off of her wrist. 

“You’re a mess,” Jenna said, grinning. "I can't take you anywhere."

“This was my suggestion." Candy shot back, still focused on her cleanup as they climbed the apartment steps. "And bitch, I drove!”

The cool night was a welcome response to a day of an ongoing 90-plus-degree heatwave. Somewhere in the distance, a random still-conscious resident entered her apartment to conclude her night. Everything was quiet. Everything was serene. Until the front door of their apartment swung open before Jenna could even fish out her keys. 

Trisha stood there, wild-eyed, her favorite college t-shirt clinging to her damp shoulders like a used napkin. Smudges of soot were everywhere. 

"Oh my God you look so hot right now.", said Candy, not even close to realizing that something mysterious was afoot.

“This apartment is a hellhole.” Trisha managed to grouse through heaving breaths. She gripped the doorframe like she was worried the door might move away to find a much better place to live. “What did you two idiots get me into?”

Jenna pushed forward into their sanctuary. The air smelled faintly of charred plastic, and she tried to wave away the stench that Trisha had long become used to.

“What happened? We were only gone for ten minutes.”

Trisha threw an exasperated arm in the general direction of the wall between the front door and the kitchen door, revealing an unruly stack of the apartment's three fire extinguishers next to a folding lawn chair sourced from a location that no one would ever be able to determine.

"What happened was, I took a perfectly innocent nap in a hamper one day, and you two shanghaied me into living in the Lesbian House of Crap."

Candy followed far behind, still obsessed with Trisha and unaware of her surroundings.

"Seriously, did you pick this outfit out yourself?" asked Candy of Trisha, who just shook her head incredulously.

“The stupid wall socket next to the kitchen door started crackling," explained Trisha, pointing like a puffed umpire. "Then this little — phoom noise happened. I panicked and threw my kombucha at it.” She paused.

"Wait a minute! Where did you get a kombucha?" Candy demanded, knowing full well that the only kombucha in the whole house was hers. She still had not fully taken in the chaos around her.

"Not the point, Candy!" insisted Trisha.

"I knew it. You've been drinking our food!" said Candy.

"Alright, fine. You caught me." snarked Trisha, holding our her wrists. "Arrest me and take me out of this death trap so I can go to bed in a nice safe cell."

Jenna stepped between them and waved her arms in that special way that tricked Candy into walking toward the closet while trying to multitask her ice cream. 

"Details, Trisha. How did you do to start a fire in our living room?" said Jenna in an almost scientific voice.

"I didn't DO anything. I was drinking my—" she paused to look at Candy, who also paused and tipped her ear as if waiting for a retraction.

"—drinking a kombucha and watching T.V. when all of a sudden the wall exploded in flames. It was like the iceberg in Titanic, but the opposite because it was with fire, and so far everybody is alive." Jenna paused to consider that analogy.

"Why is it so dark in here?" asked Candy, walking in the direction of the closet.

"It was an electrical fire. I had to—"

"I got it!" Candy announced from her position within the closet as she pushed the circuit breaker switch back into position.

The wall erupted in sparks. Trisha immediately snatched up a fire extinguisher and began bathing the wall with foam with neither rhyme nor reason as Jenna ran to the closet.

"Which one did you push?"

"I don't know. It was—like—in this area here." Candy responded, waving a hand in a far broader circle than was necessary.

"Really? You can't remember twenty seconds ago?"

"I don't know. It was like—end of my rib cage."

Jenna took command position in front of the electrical panel with Candy standing just outside the closet to report back.

Snap-snap.

"This one?" asked Jenna.

"Nope." reported Candy.

Snap-snap.

"This one?" asked Jenna, with no sense of urgency.

"Nope." reported Candy.

Snap-snap.

"It SAYS 'KITCHEN'!!!" screamed Trisha, now blasting spurts of gas in what was possibly the last of the fire extinguisher capabilities for this particular apartment.

"Oh, yeah!" replied Jenna and Candy, both excited to see the word "Kitchen" scrawled on a piece of masking tape inside the circuit breaker box. The final click stopped the sparks. Trisha's whole body drooped.

It was only then that Candy emerged from the closet and had the opportunity to see the truly devastating news: her prized poster of two lesbians kissing, signed by both models, had been ruined by un-theraputic amounts of smoke and foam. Her gasp was audible from the courtyard.

Jenna flocked to her friend's side.

"Our poster! Somebody do something!" yelled Candy desperately to no one in particular.

Trisha wiped a little soot off with her hand. "We can clean this up. My dad brings home burned stuff all the time."

Candy was almost spinning in circles looking for any tool that could salvage her highly-coveted artwork. "This place is a hellhole." Candy finally agreed, attempting to storm off to the bathroom for a washcloth only to be grabbed by Jenna.

"We have to go get Barbara and Delilah.", explained Jenna in a very logical and calm fashion. But Trisha had never heard anyone say anything so absurd.

"We got this."

"We don't 'got this'. We have to tell the landlords."

"Why are you always trying to get us in trouble with the Fuzz?" demanded Trisha in a way that suggested she had been holding that one in for a while. "We'll just clean it up."

"There's no power to the kitchen."

"I know a guy. He sells hot coolers."

"We're getting the landlords!" explained Jenna, this time more formally and with significant resolve. "They'll know what to do."

"Fine. Whatever. Y' narc." said Trisha in a tone that denoted her intention to shame Jenna into reconsidering the responsible path. "I'll stay here and call around looking for available sofas."

Trisha sat down in her folding chair, proudly holding the last of the fire extinguishers like a Desert Eagle and digging out the phone in her bra.

"Mixed signals! My head. It's too much!" cried Candy, who was torn between watching Trisha do sexy Trisha stuff and the sight of her obliterated artwork. The emotional pull matched the yanking on Candy's arm as Jenna continued to dedicate herself to the correct course of action.

=====

The light next to apartment 101 was on as it always was when Barbara and Delilah were home. "Wait, Jenna. What if they blame us? They might kick us out." said Candy as she evaluated the possibilities.

"It's not our fault. We were getting ice cream."

"Well what if it's Trisha's fault?" hypothesized Candy. "She's basically feral. We took in a stray, and then we left her home alone. Maybe she doesn't know what's safe and what's not when it comes to electrical sockets."

"Stop that." said Jenna, turning on her heel and knocking on the door.

Despite it being nearly midnight, the door opened almost immediately. Barbara was dressed entirely from head to toe in a business suit as if attending a noon luncheon at the Chamber of Commerce. 

"Yes?" said Barbara in a business style that stunned both guests.

"Babs, be honest—do you sleep in your business suits?" asked Candy, unable to contain her curiosity despite the seriousness of the moment. Jenna stepped in front to take control and deliver the devastating news. 

"There was a tiny, small, hardly worth mentioning..."

They looked at each other.

"...fire in our apartment."

"My beautiful poster was destroyed by your stupid flaming wires." announced Candy as the tears that had fallen behind during the walk over finally caught up.

"Oh, no. You love that poster." said Delilah, appearing from the darkness inside the landladies apartment wearing nothing but a nightie. Jenna and Candy both stared at Delilah's gorgeous form as it came forth like Venus on a clam shell. 

"Mixed signals! I can't function. I can't think." reported Candy, who stared at Delilah's body with unbridled lust. "Jenna do something."

Jenna pushed Candy so hard she stumbled into the bushes. "There was a fire in our apartment. Trisha got it to go out, but we need help. Please don't evict us."

Barbara and Delilah looked at each other with deep concern. Then Barbara looked down. "Could you please go put on a tie." she requested of her wife.

=====

Barbara stepped into the apartment to survey the damage and immediately focused on Trisha, who was sitting on a folding chair with her elbows on her knees as if in anticipation of wrestling a large animal to the ground at any moment.

"'sup." said Trisha, doing little to ease Barbara's concerns. The landlady took it all in. Extinguishers. Walls. Smoke damage. Foam damage. Water damage. The aforementioned poster.

"Before we begin," said Barbara, temporarily offering a view of her soft side. "Thank you for putting out the fire. The girls tell me you handled it well."

"Sure thing." said Trisha, leaning back proudly. "My father's friends are idiots, so this sort of thing came up at my house a lot. I always know where the extinguishers are." Trisha punctuated her explanation with a wink and a click.

"Your father's friends are not permitted in our apartment complex."

"No arguments there."

Jenna and Candy pressed their faces against the door frame like two nosy cats, their breaths shallow as Barbara paced the scorched kitchen wall with the intensity of a detective inspecting a crime scene. 

Candy’s whisper was frantic. “Do you think she’ll replace our kombucha?”

"Way to focus on the big picture, Candy.", replied Jenna.

Barbara’s finger traced a blackened streak near the outlet. “Okay.” she announced. “I'm going to have electricians come out and take a look at this in the morning. And I am required by law to call the fire department.”

Trisha shot out of her chair like a sprinter reacting to a starter's pistol. 

"There are firemen coming?" she said in an eager tone that betrayed everything.

Barbara was luckily too distracted while dialing her phone to catch it the first time, and Jenna was too quick to move a curious Trisha before she could get a second shot at accidentally getting them all evicted.

"No!" demanded Jenna sternly, desperately trying to distract. She and Candy poured into the living room, no longer worried about consequences.

"No firemen. Just arson people. And it's just the one investigator. And she's like a hundred." explained Jenna to an accepting Trisha, wooed by exhaustion. "We'll sleep in our car so we're not anywhere near the old female arson investigator when she arrives."

Suddenly, the next emergency call for Jenna rang when Delilah appeared in the doorway wearing a house coat and her negligee, causing Candy to slink in her direction unconsciously like a goldfish being reeled in on a line.

"Hey, Delilah. Can we take your nightie?" she said dreamily, lost in a seductive glance that she lost control of almost immediately.

"No!" demanded Jenna sternly, desperately trying to distract. She spun Candy around to wrestle her eye contact to the ground and beg for obedience. "Rule 42. Rule 42."

"Hey, Delilah. Enjoy the view of our damage. Can we get you a kombucha? Or, like, a blanket?"

"If you give that woman a blanket, you and I are through. Do you hear me?" Candy announced in a bitter whisper as Jenna held her back. 

Trisha got up out of her chair, leaving Barbara and Delilah to work the phones as she crossed the room to join her two roommates. She tapped Jenna on the shoulder. Jenna spun around yet again. 

"How sure are you about the old arsonist lady? Because we can specifically request a fireman—"

"No!" cried Jenna, now pushing both Trisha and Candy slowly toward the bedrooms as they leaned back to retard her progress. She called over her shoulder as the three of them slowly moved away. "Listen. Barbara. Delilah. You're welcome to stay as long as you need. I have to put these two to bed and then guard the door all night. Invite anyone you need."

"You'll be staying at a hotel." announced Barbara, ignoring all other inputs.

The three women turned in unison and began gingerly approaching Barbara, aware that it could be a trap but willing to risk it for the reward.

"Wait, we're going to a hotel?" asked Candy. 

"Like, with a minibar?" asked Trisha.

"And free WI-FI?" asked Jenna.

"By law," began Delilah while plucking at the edges of the devastated poster. "We have to put you up somewhere until we determine the source of the fire and confirm that it's fully out. It could be in the insulation. Go pack bags."

The three roommates considered this surprising change of events.

"What does one pack for a fire outing?" asked Jenna.

"Pizza bites." answered Trisha.

"Look," said Candy in a low voice. "Not that I don't trust Babs and her smoking-hot wife, but are we really going to leave all of our stuff here, just—you know—unguarded all night? Or days? Or whenever?"

Suddenly, the terrifying sound of a knife being driven through drywall by a psychopath began to echo off of the walls. The girls turned to see Barbara carving up their apartment wall like an elementary school teacher with a pumpkin carving deadline.

"You know, it's just all the stuff I've ever owned. I'm good."

The three of them turned and made a beeline for their respective bedrooms and the luggage therewithin.

=====

The door to room 520 at the Hotel Legear opened to reveal three tired and weary travellers finally arriving at their place of rest. Bags hit the floor. Shoes hit the floor. And all eyes hit the two queen-size beds.

"Jenna, as the leader of our group it is only proper that you get the bed by yourself." said Candy in a tone that was almost official in nature.

"Nice try."

"I call dibs on Trisha." whispered Candy at Jenna in the most aggressive tone that a whisper could take. "If you call the woman while in view of the bed, she's yours. That's lesbian law. You always enforce the law."

"Behave."

Candy turned to Trisha as if to circumvent any potential guard rails that Jenna was about to erect and announced her grand plan.

"Trisha, you and I will be here. But we'll sleep opposite style so you don't have to worry. So, like, my head will be here next to your hips and your head will be there next to my—"

But Trisha was too preoccupied with the glory of the room to process the implications. "Look at this bathroom. It's got a tub! This is so cool!" she reported shortly before the sound of on-off noises from the tub faucet.

Jenna and Candy stared each other down like duelists in the Old West. "Hasn't she been through enough tonight?"

"Maybe she wants to put out another fire. Between my—"

"I got the joke. Get ready for bed—with me—where nothing will happen—on pain of death."

"That's presumptuous." said Candy. "How do I know that you'll keep your hands to yourself?"

"The only thing touching you tonight will be my pillow as I smother you to death, if you violate the roommate agreement."

By the time Trisha returned from her grand adventure in the bathroom, both Jenna and Candy were tired, sour, and desperate for an end to the night. "Do you really think there are no firemen at our apartment? Like, right now?" asked Trisha with deep suspicion. "That doesn't sound like a thorough job. What's one old lady arson investigator going to accomplish?"

Even Candy was too exhausted to work an angle, lazily offering instead, "So what you're saying is that if I got a firefighter's uniform—"

"—we could just give it to any guy we wanted?" finished Trisha, much to Candy's chagrin. 

"I'm going to bed." reported Candy in a sour voice that barely made it past her wrinkled nose. 

"And I will be thrilled to join you." said Jenna with finality.

=====

It was easily four in the morning when the loudest snore anyone has ever heard tore through the room like a banshee. Jenna and Candy both shot to attention like they heard someone working on the door lock. But Trisha, the source of the snoring, remained impossibly unconscious.

Both Jenna and Candy looked at each other, shook their heads, and then laid back down. However, a second band-saw blast returned them to their previous position of concern.

"She has to be dying." asked Jenna with genuine concern for her friend in the next bed.

"Wait. I've heard of this. It's from the smoke." said Candy in a whisper. "Plus, she's on her side so..."

"She's not drunk." snarked Jenna, rolling her eyes.

Candy flipped off the sheets she was under, then placed a single toe on the floor. 

"No." said Jenna.

"I have to pee." explained Candy.

"I'll make you a funnel."

"Just stand there if you don't think I can be trusted."

"Thank you." said Jenna, her eyebrow raised. "I will."

Jenna got out from under the sheets and faithfully stood guard at the foot of Trisha's bed as Candy, with eyes full of anger, got out of bed and stomped her way to the bathroom. But Candy wasn't in the bathroom for even three seconds when a deep and terrifying snore sent both women leaping toward the door to the room, just in case resuscitation was required.

"We have to check on her." said Jenna, as she walked over to the bed and shook Trisha awake.

"Mr. Fireman!!!" yelled Trisha right before catching herself and looking around, desperately trying to piece together her unfamiliar surroundings. "Walk of—shame—" she said before she looked behind her to find Jenna's concerned face and Candy waving sheepishly.

"Woman, blow your nose." groused Jenna.

=====

The worst-case scenario was Trisha getting to the apartment door first. Who knew what was on the other side of that door, and quite frankly they couldn't chance it. Yet when Samantha from apartment 105 distracted Jenna and Candy in the parking lot desperately trying to get the scoop on the events from two days prior, Trisha simply walked off on her own as she had done each day for almost twenty years.

That's how she discovered the delightful warmth within the personal space of a hunky male electrician whose button-down shirt had long lost the war against the sweltering midday heat. The sight of his glistening neck caused her hand to fail. As her bag hit the floor with a thud, she deployed "The Trisha"—a maneuver she had perfected two years prior, where she tried to touch her elbows as close together as possible behind her back to guarantee success at anything.

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry I interrupted you." she flirted shamelessly. Her hand hit him square in the chest.

"Oh, hey. I'm—eh—Carl. Is your bag alright?"

"This? Pssh. I bought it from the trunk of a car in Philly. It's filled with Kombucha." explained Trisha, bending over slightly so her jean shorts could finally enter the stage as the starring role. "I was told there might still be firefighters here. I don't want you to be stuck here with me all day if there's like a cat in a tree or something like that."

"Oh, no. I'm not a firefighter. I'm an electrician. Name's Carl."

"Oh, my mistake!" she prefaced before launching into the unmistakable throaty laugh of a heterosexual female for whom it had been far too long. That was why Barbara's face was the way it was when she emerged from the kitchen.

"Trisha. What are you doing here?"

"Well, eh..."

"Carl."

"...keep up the good work. I heard you guys make the best coppers." said Trisha, pushing the electrician away via her own treacherous palm. "Hey, Barbara. I was just trying to get you a discount on your invoice over here. Eh—I need my work shirt. Sorry."

"That looked like a little more than angling for a good price."

"See, that's how good I am at fake flirting with dirty gross men. Blegh."

At that moment, Jenna and Candy filled the doorway, desperate to establish how bad the damage was from a Trisha left alone to her own devices for longer than three minutes. Seeing Trisha face-to-face with Barbara sent waves of panic through their very spines.

"They're here for moral support. So—err—what gives with the wall?"

"The electricians say it's a minor wiring issue."

"Minor? I could have roasted marshmallows on that thing."

"They're going to fix it. They should be finished by the time you're done whatever shift you need that shirt for."

"Right. My shirt." Trisha power-walked her way toward her bedroom. But as she passed by the electrician, they made eye contact, and she threw him a wink. Then, by way of throwing Barbara off the scent, Trisha turned and gave Barbara a thumbs up as if to indicate that it was all part of a grand plan to save Barbara money.

Barbara was suspicious. Something was definitely wrong. Or maybe it was just fatigue. After all, she had been awake for almost 36 hours, and the day wasn't ending anytime soon. When Barbara looked at the front door, two more roommates fled the area rather than risk invasive and possibly lease-ending questions.

=====

Hours later, all three women were attempting to shake off the stress of a multi-day crisis using appetizers and drinks at a local bar.

"I don't understand what the big deal is." complained Trisha. "So I'm straight. What's the worst that can happen if Barbara finds out I like hunky firefighters?"

"Well, you'll be outed as a 'saysbian', which will destroy your reputation within the lesbian community for hundreds of miles." explained Candy.

"It's the equivalent of saying you were from East Berlin in the seventies." injected Jenna.

"Also, we'd all be HOMELESS!!!" shouted Candy at Trisha in a way that conveyed a betrayal. Candy chowed down a cheese stick to choke down anxiety as Trisha looked around cautiously to see if Candy's loudness would result in a less-devastating eviction notice from the restaurant.

"Yes, not only would you be outed as not out, but our reputation would also be destroyed for vouching for you.", clarified a calmer Jenna.

"You guys are like the Mob."

"Yes. They call us 'la Coochy-nostra'."

"So pucker up every now and then. This is the cheapest rent anywhere in the city."

"Because the wiring catches fire every now and then?" said Trisha with a sour note related to the events of the past 24 hours. "I'm exhausted. I want my bed. I want my vibrator." She hung her head low.

Jenna looked around cautiously to see if Trisha's honesty would result in a less-devastating eviction notice from the restaurant.

Candy got excited and reached for her clutch. "Well, if you're desperate, I can loan you my—"

"No!" warned Jenna, waving her hands above the open purse to dissuade Candy from sharing anything more about the contents of her purse.

"Look, just don't talk about sex and make yourself scarce when Barbara is around." instructed Candy with finality. "And every now and then, kiss one of us passionately and with the passion of a—"

"No!" warned Jenna, waving her hands in the open air.

=====

Barbara was standing in apartment 211 and opened the front door as the girls arrived. They entered their living room astonished that it looked just like the way it had been before. Well, almost. Candy slowly migrated over to the blank spot on the wall where her favorite poster had once hung. She planted her palm on the open space and mourned the equivalent loss one might express for a deceased grandparent.

"The renovation is complete. The electrician has replaced all of the wiring in that wall with a modern equivalent. The job was inspected and hopefully everything is back to normal." reported Barbara, staring at her clipboard to make sure she checked off all of the boxes.

"Barbara. I am stunned. This place looks amazing." said Jenna, looking around in amazement. "How did you find the replacement wallpaper? It looks almost exactly the same."

"It is exactly the same." explained Barbara in a voice that almost contained glee. "When Delilah and I first bought this place we purchased 8,000 bolts of that wallpaper after the company said that they were going out of business. They told us it could take sixty years to go through it all."

Barbara paused and gazed at Candy's mournful pose.

"Of course, that estimate was created before the three of you moved in."

Trisha stepped forward to confirm what she already knew. "So it wasn't me?"

"No."

"And I did good?"

"You saved the building from burning down. Delilah and I are very grateful."

"And did I get you a discount on the wiring?"

"Indirectly."

Trisha's pride swelled. "Really?"

"Discount?" inquired Jenna.

"A certain someone who shall remain nameless attempted to flirt with the electrician in some sort of ill-conceived attempt to reduce the bill for the repair. She overdid it and he began to drag his feet, hoping to meet her again. After I explained that everyone in this apartment is a lesbian, he suddenly became the most efficient electrician I've ever seen. Then the extra hours mysteriously vanished off of the final tally."

Trisha closed her eyes and fought back the urge to cry. "Wooo." she said in a tone that was clearly never intended for wooing.

"I may have threatened to have the Sheetrock guy entomb him within our wall should he not get the hint, but we don't need to get into details there."

"We hear nothing. This room is a vault." replied Jenna.

Suddenly, the door to the kitchen slowly pushed open as the voice of Delilah announced her arrival.

"And there's one more thing..."

Delilah cleared the door holding a huge framed poster of two lesbians making out. It wasn't the same poster, but for Candy it was even better.

"That's—that's—" sputtered Candy.

"It is." announced Delilah proudly, beaming out her warm smile as Candy relished the new decoration. 

"Who's 'it is'?" whispered Trisha into Jenna's ear.

"Don't say that out loud, you're supposed to know these things." whispered Jenna back quickly.

"And I even got them to sign it." Candy, stunned by the gesture, placed a hand just below her belly button and fell backward into Trisha's confused yet available arms. Candy looked to her right and said in a whisper, "Now I want my bed and vibrator."